Constant Change

The last time I wrote here was when I started to apply for new jobs… a lot has happened since then, so I thought it might be good to update. There were plenty of other things that have exploded.

I hit a pretty low point of eating restriction at that time, and when I could no longer stay awake or stop crying at literally everything, I slowly started eating again. I’ve of course gained a bunch of weight as my body tries to recover, which of course, has sent me into a deeper depression. I’ve been fighting my therapist for weeks about wanting to fast, and now I’m just in an angry, sad, ugly, even fatter and more disgusting body. Great. Tell me how this is going to help me. She keeps telling me eating disorder recovery is a process, but I’m having a really hard time watching my body just get worse. I can’t afford a dietician, let alone being able to find one that won’t take one look at me and tell me to starve myself again. I’m in a holding pattern… a shitty, confusing, and terrifying holding pattern.

Thanksgiving weekend, the costume store flooded from a pipe leak in the bagel shop above us. The problem is, the water was dirty and therefore for insurance purposes, it’s technically considered “sewage.” Now, there was an insurance policy, but the dry cleaning alone would have maxed it out, not to mention the time and energy it was already taking to move everything out. Ben made the decision to close the brick and mortar location, and now we will just rent holiday costumes, mascots that were salvageable, and things that he saved for his own collection. We still have one large push to get rid of the excess, but I truly believe that in the end it was the best decision for him to make. Teaching full-time has given him a different trajectory, if he wants it, and that alone has changed his perspective on trying to run a business at the same time. I’m sure he will be relieved after this weekend, when everything will be gone and disposed of.

The day after the flooding, I started my insane Talk to Santa schedule. It was unnecessarily stressful because of constant equipment issues and inconsistent information. I’m working on a plan to take on all the responsibilities for the show, including scheduling the kids, updating imaging, branding, and creating registration and information files that keep everyone on the same page in Santa’s Big Book (see what I did there? North Pole humor) Communication… it’s a thing that NEEDS to be on point with over 100 children and their families coming up to the station expecting to be dazzled by the magic of Christmas cheer.

We also lost a dear friend in our circle over the holidays, too. I loved this friend, but I wasn’t particularly close to her, she was already very sick when I entered the scene. I do Talk to Santa to keep myself distracted because of my mother’s sudden death Christmas night, but this was an unkind reminder. I tried my best to be strong for everyone else who needed to grieve. But the “mom’s dead” phone call and sound of my own screaming kept playing on loop whenever my brain was too idle, which was of course right as I woke up in the morning, like the day it happened, in a total PTSD episode, a surefire way to ruin my day. Triggered, so fucking triggered. I didn’t want to fall apart, and I did fine as far as what most people could see, I hope. Ben ended up with one night terror of mine he had to contend with, but most of it I turned inward, eating everything in sight, like I do.

I didn’t get the job that I interviewed for in the last post. Which is fine, because traveling to Harrisburg everyday is NOT something I could handle right now. And the vibe I got was… yes, just not yet. I think if I get some supervisor experience and apply again, I could get it. I’m just happy I had the guts to even interview. But, I DID get a job offer at another office. Same pay, same job, but a different location that cuts about 3 hours of travel a week and gives me more human interaction that I desperately need to end my stagnation. I started this week, and I haven’t been able to do much because they messed up transferring my access to our systems. So, lots of twiddling my thumbs peppered with trainings, reorganizing, and setting up my desk/files/etc. I also did adulty things like paying my bills, filing my taxes, creating some forms for Talk to Santa to get myself ready for next year. It hasn’t been a total loss.

Ben and I are traveling to New England for a couple of fun events that will allow us to catch up with old friends. I also have my boudoir shoot with Mitzie, and that’s my thing I’m scared about. I was restricting when I made my appointment, and now…not so much. My beached Jabba the Hut body isn’t going to be very cute to bare all, so I might have to change up my game plan. Ugh… the disappointment and sadness descend lower.

I also start rehearsals for a show at CTL in two weeks. I was SUPER proud of myself for getting my lines written out, recorded, edited, and on my phone to start getting off book as soon as possible. It’s another line intensive lead, so I’m looking forward to having something else to focus on, maybe get my confidence back a little.

And I was asked to take on the Afternoon Drive shift on the Valley from weekdays from 3-7pm. That will give me more work to do, but it evens out with the time I’m saving in traffic alone, PLUS I negotiated for a raise and modification to my proposed schedule for no weekend commitments like a big girl. In the end, I’ll actually make out WAY better than I started.

I clearly have a lot to process, and there are plenty of other things weighing on my mind, heart, and my shitty body… none of the typical “cheer up” tactics seem to be working. All I want to do is sleep and cry. Winter is here, and unless I figure this shit out…. It’s gonna be a long, rough couple months.