Permission to Peacock

I’m feeling a little numb. I had a rough week again last week, I was in the hospital Tuesday (I’m ok, just a scare), but I gave up on sticking to low-carb when we went to the Bloomsburg Fair on Saturday and Ben’s parents on Sunday. I bought raspberries this weekend and couldn’t leave them alone. I’m mad that I feel like raspberries are sinful.

I’m hungry, feeling defeated, and I don’t want to deal with ANY of that right now. Let’s work on a therapy homework assignment, shall we?

I have a problem with accepting anything positive that comes my direction. Successes, compliments, praise… all of that bullshit is hugely uncomfortable. No, for reals. I have no idea what to do with it. I USED to negate it directly TO the person (and sometimes I still do without thinking), but after coming to the realization that it might hurt the other person’s feelings, I’ve leveled up to a nervous “thank you” in adulthood.

I have VERY vivid memories of watching videos from concerts as a kid. We’d come home afterwards and watch the tapes immediately. I was always excited, but it never turned out to be the positive thing I had hoped for. I would pick out EVERYTHING I did wrong and especially how shitty my body looked (reinforcement of how I should never be on camera). No matter what, every performance was the shittiest performance I’ve ever done.

It’s not like I didn’t get praise from people. You know, everyone wants to encourage little kids. I didn’t accept a word of it. I still can’t. My ears feel like they plug up with cotton balls at the exact moment praise or applause begins. The ONLY reason I became aware of this weird phenomenon was when I DID start watching videos of performances. I realized I didn’t hear anything in the moment (like, as I was on stage), but it would distort the tiny microphones in the old VHS tape recorders. All the years of singing, speaking, acting… I can’t hear a peep. Silence.

It’s even worse if I talk about things I’ve done or say anything that could be viewed as being confident or acknowledging a job well done. I have REALLY tried to make an effort to talk about my life in a more positive manner in the last few years, but this discomfort continues to be a problem. I automatically apologize for saying something positive about myself, and I shallow it down to the point where I become physically uncomfortable, and even nauseated if I sit with it for too long.

• Step #1–Lose the weight.
• Step #2–Everything else.

“You already did thing. At this size, and heavier. What the hell are you waiting for?”

Ben cornered me about this concept the other night. There have been so many goals I’ve had throughout my life, and even though I’ve accomplished things that I never thought possible, I automatically negate them because they were achieved as a FAT person. In my mind, they don’t count. I didn’t finish Step #1.

So, my therapist asked me to make a list or chart (because I’m an organizational nerd) of the skills and talents that I am supposed to give myself “permission” to own or feel confident about. But I’m stuck. All of the things I might have a reason to be proud of are attached to an excuse.

1. Opportunities give were out of PITY, because I’m fat…

–They know I’ll never make it anywhere else, so they give the fat girl a bone.

2. Recognition was given because my weight was UNKNOWN to the benefactor…

–I wouldn’t have been chosen/awarded/etc. if they had *known* I was fat.

3. The talent or skill itself has it’s own engrained shame attached to it…

–Of course I’m good at this skill… it’s BECAUSE I’m fat.

See what I mean? How dare I be proud of anything I’ve done? I don’t allow myself to embrace anything, it’s always able to fall into one of these categories. Not only that, but the “so-called skills/talents/etc” I do possess don’t seem like that are particularly valuable to most of society. “Being nice” isn’t exactly something I can put on a resume. And while physical beauty, athleticism, etc. might not show up on a resume either—they are most important things you can be.

So here’s where I need some help. Because I can’t figure out what skills and talents I have, let alone what I am allowed actually feel confident in without shame, so I’d like some outside perspective. What is something you know, for a fact, that I’m good at? Because I can fill my little excel sheet with things I suck at, but the plus column is empty because of those three qualifiers above.

Anyone want to help?